I used to post here more regularly. Over the years it became less and less. Really, I have so much to say! It’s just that for one reason or another I have more difficulty with the words. My writer’s block often comes from, perhaps, my own imagination and being afraid to share my life and thoughts.
I have personally met and come to know many people from social media, and they, me. It is wonderful to have so many connections! Most came to know me over social media and events because of how I used Twitter and social networking to find housing and get off the streets when I was homeless. Social media and speaking at events has allowed me to open up more, sharing my feelings and life with the world. As others follow me in real life and online they get to know more about me – as I call it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I know it’s probably just me, but I keep thinking that once people learn more about me and my mental health issues, they will no longer want to be around me. Nobody ever wants to hang out over coffee or something. Where as I was once included as a friend, I am now forgotten about, or so it seems.
Sometimes it may be true that stigma or other reasons may play a part. In reality, I think my mind, in sense, tries to “bury” when I feel that perhaps my friends know too much about me, and how crazy I am. So I become more secluded with each rejection. They can’t know more about me if I don’t talk. The more I stay in seclusion, the more socially awkward I become. That in turn can lead to more problems with my mental health. I may avoid people, opting instead for watching TV, using the internet, or playing games on my tablet.
I used to post about everything on this blog. Now for several reasons I choose to censor myself… way too much. There are feelings I should sometimes talk about – if not with a real person, at least a virtual one. But I am afraid. I am afraid that I will not be accepted by others. Though so many people have felt similarly before. I know those people would understand. But I am silent.