When Friends Know Too Much (And Where I Hide The Bodies)

I used to post here more regularly. Over the years it became less and less. Really, I have so much to say! It’s just that for one reason or another I have more difficulty with the words. My writer’s block often comes from, perhaps, my own imagination and being afraid to share my life and thoughts.

I have personally met and come to know many people from social media, and they, me. It is wonderful to have so many connections! Most came to know me over social media and events because of how I used Twitter and social networking to find housing and get off the streets when I was homeless. Social media and speaking at events has allowed me to open up more, sharing my feelings and life with the world. As others follow me in real life and online they get to know more about me – as I call it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I know it’s probably just me, but I keep thinking that once people learn more about me and my mental health issues, they will no longer want to be around me. Nobody ever wants to hang out over coffee or something. Where as I was once included as a friend, I am now forgotten about, or so it seems.

Sometimes it may be true that stigma or other reasons may play a part. In reality, I think my mind, in sense, tries to “bury” when I feel that perhaps my friends know too much about me, and how crazy I am. So I become more secluded with each rejection. They can’t know more about me if I don’t talk. The more I stay in seclusion, the more socially awkward I become. That in turn can lead to more problems with my mental health. I may avoid people, opting instead for watching TV, using the internet, or playing games on my tablet.

I used to post about everything on this blog. Now for several reasons I choose to censor myself… way too much. There are feelings I should sometimes talk about – if not with a real person, at least a virtual one. But I am afraid. I am afraid that I will not be accepted by others. Though so many people have felt similarly before. I know those people would understand. But I am silent.

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For love of my daughter

This song has always reminded me of my daughter when she was little and we had that relationship. I still believe she was sent to rescue me like its said in the song, and she has made me happy. I miss her and I love her still, whether she realizes that or not. I wish she would give me another chance and try to understand the issues.

It’s not all about sex

I am human.  Sure I think of sex!  But I sure as heck don’t need to do it with just anyone just for the sake of doing it!  I was approached again by someone about going to a motel.  In this living situation as well as with my other problems, I don’t need that kind of relationship right now.  There are other things to life that need my attention.

You don’t know the harrassment I get!  Every day someone makes a comment and stares areas of my body.  Can’t people stop trying to get me in to bed and undressing me with their eyes?!

I would love to have a normal relationship.  It’s so hard for me, and especially living like this.  How do I explain carrying my things with me?  I can only use the excuse that I am going to do laundry tonight only so many times.  I really wish I could meet the right person though.  It will be easier when I have a home again.  This is not the time or lifestyle for dating or to even have casual sex with just anyone.