Reliving desperation and admiration

I interviewed with a BBC Radio show today. (It won’t air until next week. I’ll let you know when.) The topic for the host started out as basically, people being almost addicted to their cell phones. Then by chance during an internet search she came across my story.

If you somehow aren’t aware yet, I first joined Twitter and social media in 2009 while I was homeless. What started out as me not knowing a thing about Twitter or how to even use it, quickly grew to experiences that I’d have never dreamed of ever having! I could use computers at the library during the day, but other than that, I mostly tweeted by SMS/text message from my phone. My phone was my life — my dire connection to the world in my times of need. I could call someone, text or email by SMS. I didn’t have a smartphone. Just a simple, basic phone. A dumb phone. In fact, that’s the type of phone I use now.

I had unlimited texting so I could post messages to Twitter as much as I wanted, anytime I wanted, all day and all night. Whenever I had a need to say something. Which, back then, was quite a lot! I posted about my activities, shared thoughts or information on jobs or things I heard about, and wrote volumes of tweets from my emotions.

Fear, anxiety, and prayers dominated many of my tweets. I shared a number of hopes and wishes, too. There were many nights I lied on the ground, afraid and paranoid that someone would come up to me in the night. Is someone watching? Is someone here? Who is here watching me? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) affected me severely. There I was alone, but I couldn’t tell because my mind conjured up invisible people who might have been lurking.

I kept my “security blanket” tightly in hand all night. My phone was my connection to the world. Anytime I needed to say something, to vent, to express my fears, somebody was able to hear me. I couldn’t get their replies until I went to the computers at the library the next day, but they were there. Somebody cared. Another person suffered the same plight of PTSD once. I’m really not alone.

The tweets from my phone led to development of virtual and real-life relationships with people and businesses. Through my sincerity and openness of my life, stigma changed to acceptance, understanding, and kindness. I got to see God’s love in action, and emotion. These people — my social media followers — said that I changed them for the better. What I saw is how they changed me.

Sharing my story online and in real life at speaking engagements has helped me to open up. I am still shy and very socially awkward, but I am much more open with my emotions. Having constant access to my phone and being able to tweet by text has been extremely therapeutic.

I still tweet Clint Eastwood style — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes I feel that I share too much. But I need to get things out. Sometimes I need to vent. In a way, being able to tweet and vent my emotions is more than emotionally therapeutic. It can also be protective against bad thoughts so I don’t try to self-injure. I haven’t done any cutting in however many years. It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes still have those thoughts about doing it. So I greatly appreciate the kindness and compassion from all of you, my followers. A small gift, a kind word, a hug. It means the world to me! God’s love in action, indeed.

I discussed all of these areas and more on the BBC Radio show. (Again, I will share the link to the broadcast after it airs.) Talking about these things have so much effect on me emotionally! Ever since then my thoughts have been on all of my followers and how you have affected me, the place you have in my heart. I am reliving the desperation of my past and the admiration and love for the compassion I have received. Thank you all so much!

PS: Side note to Joan of Real Time Paradigm, my blogging teacher at NextDoor:  I clicked “Publish”! 😜

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My Television Acting Debut! In…”Out of the Woods: Bigfoot goes to a funeral” | WGN-TV

Go to http://wgntv.com/2015/09/17/out-of-the-woods-bigfoot-goes-to-a-funeral/ to view the video on WGN’s website! As an extra there was no speaking part, but I played the part of a “mourner” very well, I think.

Post by @WGNNews.

Source: Out of the Woods: Bigfoot goes to a funeral | WGN-TV

Missing you.

I have been neglecting this blog and all of my readers, and I am sorry for that. I really have been thinking of you! Actually, for quite some time I was locked out of my account due to a new phone and 2-Step Authentication. I had backup codes but couldn’t find them. Finally I emailed WordPress with the details and proof of my identity and got things fixed. So I’m back! You don’t know how good it feels to have access to this blog again! Besides sharing interesting things and tidbits about my life, my Klout and EmpireKred scores have been suffering. LOL.

A lot has obviously happened since the last I posted. I am tired and won’t go in to everything now. I would like to say, however, that I remember how it was to be homeless. My heart goes out to those facing that situation. I help how I can, when I can, but it is not enough. I sometimes stand out among people on the CTA because I will smile and interact with homeless people riding the transit with me. There are times when others might move to another section of the bus or actually unboard the bus to wait for the next one on the same route–simply because the homeless individual was social. That being even when the homeless person did NOT have a traumatic scent. Just because of…being nice. 😦

 

Misbehavin’

Oops. Sorry, LOL! My apologies to a certain case manager at Northwestern Satellite Clinic. I sorta know him from Twitter and I’ve tweeted him a couple of times (or “perhaps” more, LOL) since becoming a client. Its a No-No! Ok, so I get impulsive and have to say something sometimes. I understand why and all that and I expected it when I became a client. But like I said, I do get impulsive. If I can get some medication again for ADD that may help the issue. I kinda have to laugh because of my misbehaving. Yeah, my bad. I am a rule-breaker. Its hard to keep out of trouble this way when I am impulsive. Medication should help that. I’ll have to ask about it if the new psydoc doesn’t offer first. I really would like to focus better on things like I used to when I was medicated for ADD. Life was better. Well, it was better until I started working at a certain place that triggered my PTSD because of memory of a certain homeless person who stalked me and…more. He knows who he is. He is still a major trigger. I was warned by the psych people against having any contact with him–even on Twitter. They are cautious. I view my newly following him as an exposure therapy, plus I feel it is fair and appropriate that anyone who needs and wants my help can get it. I will not get in the way of a legitmate request from someone seeking help–I don’t care who it is or what I think of the person! Everyone deserves a chance to get help they need! This brings up a future blog topic about social services agencies that ban a person from getting ANY and ALL services–including food pantry and clothing closet…

Is “padschicago” pregnant?

There is discussion lately among “Padites”, as the homeless around here call ourselves, that I am pregnant. Well, first of all, its none of your damn freakin’ business if I am pregnant! Second, if you want to know, why don’t you just ask me? I am actually laughing at this even though I shouldn’t–and I’ll get to WHY in a moment. Everybody has to know everything going on! People want to know all the gossip! Let things rest people, and let’s just LIVE.

Now, do you want to know WHY I am laughing? NO! I am NOT pregnant!! I may have looked a few months pregnant recently due to some medical issues, but I can certify that I am NOT with child. LMAO!!!

Doctor, tell me it ain’t so!

I saw my kind and compassionate primary care doctor yesterday. We needed to talk about pain issues because Vicodin just hasn’t been long-acting enough to cover my pain. I have been on it for a long time. So in I went.

If you don’t know by now, I give my doctor “friendly harassment” via email. All off the record. Due to rules he cannot reply. The creative genius that my doctor is, he has come up with an alternative: changes to my electronic record and the doctor schedules online. Its up to me to interpret.

Among my usual physical problems, I have been itching a lot. Coincidently, my pain and use of the Vicodin also had gone up. Instead of Vicodin my doctor prescribed a couple weeks worth of Ultram to try. So far, it could be better. The Ultram is in addition to other regular non-narcotic pain medicine that I am on. So…I went online to check out the doctor’s office website and seek out if there have been any changes. YES. My codeine allergy is now “opiod analgesics”. Allergies to morphine and hydromorphone remain unchanged.

I have long suspected a possible developing hydrocodone allergy. I think denial has made me unconvinced. Because of my health issues and narcotic allergies, there isn’t much of anything at all left that I can take for pain!! That is quite a motivator, I think, when it comes to feeling pain. So I have some itching. So I have now started to get a slight rash, not much of one for most people to even consider a possible allergy. But sadly, yes, I know that a drug rash does not necessarily need to be wide-spread. It could even appear as just a couple dots in the same location every time a drug is taken. If I truly am allergic to hydrocodone, I pray something–ANYTHING–happens that will improve my pain issues. He said I could use physical therapy but that is another expense and I have no insurance or Medicaid. Still working on trying to get approved for SSDI. But for now, there is nothing else. I am not happy.

Confused happiness?

I don’t know what I even want to write. I am tired and drugged on a narcotic pain medicine, but feeling happy overall and better than I was. I am frequently plagued by bad headaches. Another current issue is that the shelters seem to regularly serve high protein/potassium meals. The one Thursday night was especially high and due to kidney damage the high protein/potassium content made me sick. I need to restart food slowly to avoid worsening. I am getting there. And as for the headaches, the Vicodin is finally starting to help today; it didn’t do much for me yesterday. I still feel kind of confused and not right. Like part of my mind is missing? I don’t know. I just can’t think quite right. I don’t know if any of this even makes sense. I don’t plan to re-read it and make sure. I’m just rambling my thoughts on the keyboard. Of what thoughts I think and can remember and make some sort of sense out of, LOL. I think. 😛

Long day

I admit, I am becoming a Twitter addict. Should I search for an online tweet therapy? I just started using @HootSuite today and I am loving it! So far, I have to definitely recommend it to all Twitter users as a must-have–especially if you are the type of person like me who tends to try and do too much at once!

I have been bad about posting in the blog lately and I apologize for that. Yesterday I promised a blog post about why I am homeless and writing it is in progress! Keep watching for it with excited anticipation! 🙂

Sorry to cut this short today but I have walk to the shelter site now. Luckily, its only about 1-1/2 miles, maybe 2 at most. Tomorrow on the other hand, I’ll have to walk maybe 8 miles or so to get to the shelter site–and the weather forecast is rain! I may get a little muddy and wet. There is no sidewalk most of the way and a small portion may be in the road during rush hour.

Be back soon

Please forgive my lack of posts this week.  Its a week of headaches and Vicodins.  Plus itching, falling asleep during the day and more.  A couple things have happened but I don’t feel like story telling right now.

Let’s get help!

I am typing away, emailing and faxing, trying to get health care for the homeless! I get a lot of requests for referrals to optometrists, chiropractors, dentists, and more. Well, as promised, I AM working on it! In the past I acquired complete eye care one-time-only for 20 local homeless. That has inspired me to continue and expand my efforts! This is entirely a personal project of mine. I am doing this on my own to find help for myself and others. That’s the focus of Pads Chicago–to educate and empower ourselves!

Those of you so inclined, say prayers that we get the extra help we need–thanks! If you are or know someone in health care who may be willing to help, please let me know or ask them to contact me:

Email: padschicago@aol.com
Fax: (661) 885-6105

All providers of services will be added to Pads Chicago’s Friends! Thank you for your help!! 🙂