It’s Christmas Eve, so I am told. Trees and homes are lit and decorated. In some cases, maybe even people. Even my door is decorated. But it still doesn’t feel like Christmas. I miss being with friends and family. I would give anything to be with and talk to my kids again. I am pretty much alone. My mom and brother live out-of-state and I still have some PTSD issues communicating with them. Telling them Merry Christmas is by email or text message. My kids don’t want to see me. My son is confused and still adjusting to me trying to have some part in his life. My daughter is angry and confused, and doesn’t understand about PTSD problems either. I am an have been improving in regards to PTSD issues but the holidays, friend and family problems, questioning the truthfulness about a potential job… I don’t know what I should believe. I want a normal life again. I want my kids back in my life. Even online I sometimes feel alone. I actually hate holidays–especially the last few months of the year as it is related to PTSD issues stemming from things that happened in this time period in 2002. Life isn’t great. Its not horrible either. For the holiday I will just exist.