Misbehavin’

Oops. Sorry, LOL! My apologies to a certain case manager at Northwestern Satellite Clinic. I sorta know him from Twitter and I’ve tweeted him a couple of times (or “perhaps” more, LOL) since becoming a client. Its a No-No! Ok, so I get impulsive and have to say something sometimes. I understand why and all that and I expected it when I became a client. But like I said, I do get impulsive. If I can get some medication again for ADD that may help the issue. I kinda have to laugh because of my misbehaving. Yeah, my bad. I am a rule-breaker. Its hard to keep out of trouble this way when I am impulsive. Medication should help that. I’ll have to ask about it if the new psydoc doesn’t offer first. I really would like to focus better on things like I used to when I was medicated for ADD. Life was better. Well, it was better until I started working at a certain place that triggered my PTSD because of memory of a certain homeless person who stalked me and…more. He knows who he is. He is still a major trigger. I was warned by the psych people against having any contact with him–even on Twitter. They are cautious. I view my newly following him as an exposure therapy, plus I feel it is fair and appropriate that anyone who needs and wants my help can get it. I will not get in the way of a legitmate request from someone seeking help–I don’t care who it is or what I think of the person! Everyone deserves a chance to get help they need! This brings up a future blog topic about social services agencies that ban a person from getting ANY and ALL services–including food pantry and clothing closet…

Creating change

I have posted on Twitter about fun, new projects. Tell you, I am honestly excited about this! Through the place where my caseworker is in Chicago, I am starting a class in advocacy–perfect for me! The class works with legislative issues and writing to representatives (what we are working on right now), volunteer issues, and more.

This class will help me to develop my advocacy skills. I have never written to members of senate or congress before or had much of anything to do with legislation. I am sure the advocacy training will inspire new ideas how to help homelessness issues. The interaction with others in the class will help my social skills also.

I am also about to finally start the counseling, and am already on psych med. Amazing things have been happening in my life the past months! It is easy to see. A new life is waiting for me just around the corner.

No pain, no gain.

Trying to find motivation for writing this. Right now, oddly enough, it is pain distraction. I’m having some bad renal-related pain on the right side. (It was on the left side in back this morning, but not nearly as bad.) Finally just popped a good, strong pain pill and logged on to WordPress.

I think that pain is what motivates me to writing in my blog the most–whether it be physical pain or emotional pain. There are a lot of times when I would do it more often, in immediate reaction to something, but I don’t have a laptop or netbook computer to capture those moments. So then I text a tweet to my Twitter account from my cell phone instead. Sometimes if I am in a place where I can write privately and have abundant paper with me I will write my thoughts to transcribe later.

Life is like what seems to attract me to blogging: no pain, no gain. It takes some level of effort to succeed and reach goals. When I blog, I gain from readers, and from within my self. In life, I gain by doing things that will lead to taking me out of homelessness. I am trying. And I am doing. I am taking steps to helping myself accomplish that goal. I am trying to make more notes to help me remember things. I am getting mental health care, including counseling and psych medication. I am working with my caseworker regarding psych issues and future housing possibilities. I know that everything is working out. Finally. I am on the right track.

Unfocused Ramblings

I have no idea what to really write about today.  My mind is so chaotic right now.  Its like I have so much to do and don’t know what I’m doing, or what needs to be done.

I used to have a PDA and planner.  That helped!  I could be more organized and have notes everywhere, LOL.  I loved Franklin Covey planner sheets better than other brands, but sometimes I would buy something else.  I used to have a laptop too.  I could go online or work on other projects like Word documents or Powerpoint even when the library was closed.   The laptop was almost like a sleeping aid because at night I’d lay in bed with my laptop, log on to the internet, and be asleep before my email was downloaded, LOL!

I’d do better and not have times like this if I was on psych meds.  Right now I am only on meds for medical issues.  Its  hard.  I want them.  I know I need them.  I have too many moods and potential for reacting to something because of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).  And times like this, right now, I don’t even know what’s going on in my  mind.  Maybe I’ve been trying to do too much and I have neurons firing chaotically .  I do have a habit of that–trying to do too much at once.  But is that so wrong?!  Moods like this–is this a type of mood?!–only make everything that I try to do difficult!  I keep thinking that–I don’t know.  Maybe that I’m not being productive enough?  I guess it could be a little anxiety.  I don’t know.  My mind is too…something I forgot the word for already.  Maybe ADD?!?  Whatever it is, I feel like I’m not getting anything worthwhile done and doing nothing good.  I feel like the stereotypical homeless “bum” who does nothing all day.  But I have done some good and productive things today,  haven’t I?!  I know I have.  I am probably being too hard on myself.

I’ve had a great day!  I got some great messages and DM’s from people on Twitter.  Friends from one of my fave sites, Psych Central, have started following me on Twitter.  I have received a lot more hits on my blog and the Pads Chicago website, and received donations through Pay Pal.  I’ve been in a decent mood, laughed several times.

It could be something with my health issues?  I’ve had a headache, sort of migraine like but not.  I remember now that I do usually feel strange, even confused, when it happens.  This could be why.  I have a rheumatologist but she hasn’t made a diagnosis yet.  It’s hell living with these issues.  I wish something more would happen!  Something so I don’t have all these pains and problems!  I am literally sick of it all.

I wish I could go to bed.  But being homeless, I have no bed.

Thinking time

The shelter sites will close before long.  Then what will I do?  Where will I go?  I am still trying to figure it out.  I am a little scared.  I’ve had problems in the past with other homeless people following me and watching me in the night.  I got paranoid last summer because of it and over-stressed.  To learn that an alcoholic homeless guy followed me “home” to my outdoor sleeping place for the purpose of watching me sleep because he liked me!  I can’t live like that again being scared that someone is watching and following me!  Plus my physical health issues aren’t helped by sleeping outside.  Why can’t I find a job as a house-sitter or live-in something?  I am not mentally prepared to be able to live outside again.  Yet any housing program I try, they don’t like my psych history and that I ‘m not on meds and refuse to accept me.  Though if they did accept me, I would be able to see a psychiatrist who they refer to and be able to start meds right away.  All these places want me already on psych drugs.  How do I get the psych drugs when I can’t get any psychiatrist willing to see me because I have no money, and no organization will accept me as a patient because I don’t have a “residence”?!  What the heck am I supposed to do?!  Keep looking.  Its about all I can do.  Its depressing.  Reject after reject.  I want a place to live, I want psych care, I want my physical health issues taken care of, I want to go to school and have a job.  I want to have a life.

New links, and an update on me

Hi, all!  FYI, I just added several new links to my site–check them out!

I realize that I have been quiet lately.  I’ve been sick from health issues with irregular heartbeats and bad kidneys,  tired and moody and neglecting my duties.  Life isn’t easy.  I admit that I have mental health issues, like many of us.  I haven’t found any person or place willing to take me for treatment either, either because I have no money to pay or because of some idiotic reason, like because I don’t have a residence.  So much for taking charity cases.  I’ve been given just as dumb or even worse excuses for being denied housing too–such as my favorite, “its too far to move” (HELLO?!  I am *HOMELESS*!).

I am so tired of living like this!  With my health issues, mental and physical–it’s very hard to put up with everything.  I try.  I use the internet and friends like you and others to get me through.  I get tired and irritated of having the same problems and little to no help.  I will admit that some days I would love to end it all.  But, thank God, I am afraid to.  I respect non-believers, but for me, I do have religious faith and it honestly is keeping me alive when I feel that all else has failed.  Faith keeps me going on.  There is better yet to come.  I need to believe that.