Doctor, tell me it ain’t so!

I saw my kind and compassionate primary care doctor yesterday. We needed to talk about pain issues because Vicodin just hasn’t been long-acting enough to cover my pain. I have been on it for a long time. So in I went.

If you don’t know by now, I give my doctor “friendly harassment” via email. All off the record. Due to rules he cannot reply. The creative genius that my doctor is, he has come up with an alternative: changes to my electronic record and the doctor schedules online. Its up to me to interpret.

Among my usual physical problems, I have been itching a lot. Coincidently, my pain and use of the Vicodin also had gone up. Instead of Vicodin my doctor prescribed a couple weeks worth of Ultram to try. So far, it could be better. The Ultram is in addition to other regular non-narcotic pain medicine that I am on. So…I went online to check out the doctor’s office website and seek out if there have been any changes. YES. My codeine allergy is now “opiod analgesics”. Allergies to morphine and hydromorphone remain unchanged.

I have long suspected a possible developing hydrocodone allergy. I think denial has made me unconvinced. Because of my health issues and narcotic allergies, there isn’t much of anything at all left that I can take for pain!! That is quite a motivator, I think, when it comes to feeling pain. So I have some itching. So I have now started to get a slight rash, not much of one for most people to even consider a possible allergy. But sadly, yes, I know that a drug rash does not necessarily need to be wide-spread. It could even appear as just a couple dots in the same location every time a drug is taken. If I truly am allergic to hydrocodone, I pray something–ANYTHING–happens that will improve my pain issues. He said I could use physical therapy but that is another expense and I have no insurance or Medicaid. Still working on trying to get approved for SSDI. But for now, there is nothing else. I am not happy.

2010 – This is my year!

This is it. 2010. My year to remember! I can promise it. This is going to be a great year–the BEST year–with amazing experiences and achievements! I can honestly feel it in my blood, in my mood, in my body, in my pain, in my every heartbeat. No wonder I have palpitations where my heart skips a beat sometimes, LOL! If attitude is everything, then I have it ALL. You know what I have been telling myself lately when something bad happens or when I have pain? I tell myself, “Smile”. Such a small, simple word. But it works! I love that word. Even more, I love to do it, and to receive it. I have faith that what I do this year will provide me with incredible opportunities. I will change my life, and create new foundations of hope for others in the process. I am excited to discover so much good in my life–there is a reason for me. I will trade my pain and sadness for something so much better: happiness! With the right attitude, anything can be done. Goals will be achieved. It is all a matter of perspective. Turning things around and seeing from a different view. Any negative can be thought of in a positive way. Take my pain issues, for instance. I have mild to severe pains that even narcotic pain medication doesn’t always help. Of course, I hate to have pain and with it the limitations and discomfort it can cause. But also, I am grateful for it! For without these rheumatic pain issues, I couldn’t understand the suffering of another person with a rheumatoid disease, or another painful condition–like the nerve pains and headaches I also experience. Having chronic pain can also teach tolerance. The nausea and food intolerances from kidney disease have taught me nutrition and to watch what I eat. Palpitations and chest pain have taught me to be prepared and set physical limitations if I need them instead of trying to over-do as I used to. Unfortunately, I have run out of time. But I am still with you…on Twitter! @padschicago  I love you all and can’t wait to be with you in Twitterverse! Tweet you from my phone. XOXOXO

No pain, no gain.

Trying to find motivation for writing this. Right now, oddly enough, it is pain distraction. I’m having some bad renal-related pain on the right side. (It was on the left side in back this morning, but not nearly as bad.) Finally just popped a good, strong pain pill and logged on to WordPress.

I think that pain is what motivates me to writing in my blog the most–whether it be physical pain or emotional pain. There are a lot of times when I would do it more often, in immediate reaction to something, but I don’t have a laptop or netbook computer to capture those moments. So then I text a tweet to my Twitter account from my cell phone instead. Sometimes if I am in a place where I can write privately and have abundant paper with me I will write my thoughts to transcribe later.

Life is like what seems to attract me to blogging: no pain, no gain. It takes some level of effort to succeed and reach goals. When I blog, I gain from readers, and from within my self. In life, I gain by doing things that will lead to taking me out of homelessness. I am trying. And I am doing. I am taking steps to helping myself accomplish that goal. I am trying to make more notes to help me remember things. I am getting mental health care, including counseling and psych medication. I am working with my caseworker regarding psych issues and future housing possibilities. I know that everything is working out. Finally. I am on the right track.

What am I doing?

I have just been so busy to trying to get too much done (and no way to finish all I want to do)! It would help if I didn’t live like this–going to homeless shelters, a new one every night of the week, in different towns, needing my feet or other transportation to get there. Some are several miles out! I am lucky and managed to get a ride to tonight’s shelter or else I would be walking 8 miles or so in the rain. I’ve done it plenty of times before, rain or snow, doesn’t matter the weather–its a safe, warm, shelter at the end when I get there. It’s worth it!

During the day I might be found at the library. Which isn’t the easiest or most efficient environment for getting things done! For one, computers have time limits. They are also usually s-l-o-o-o-w. I also like to use my own software from a flash drive and not all libraries allow that. Libraries use filters online and on occasion a perfectly harmless and good website gets blocked. There are distractions also, such as people not obeying the “quiet zone” rules and talking on their cell phones or talking to friends. I am also part of the problem by habitually trying to do too much at once. At any given time you will see me on the computer with two browsers open, one with at least 10-12+ tabs, the other only two or three; and my email program; an Explorer window to easily, always, have instant access to all my files available; Word or other MS Office program; a program to edit my website; and perhaps a chat program, which I rarely use. Maybe more programs. I also can distract easily, like my attempts at multi-tasking by having too many programs and windows open, and will jump from one project to another. Another yet reason? The library is just not a “work” environment to me. I used to only come to the library for recreation and with my kids. After all this time, it is still  hard to stay out of that mentality that it’s not playtime.

The best option for me would be to get in to a different environment, one that has all available supplies and tools, and is structured so I know exactly what I am expected to do. And I will do it. Provided my mental health issues don’t get in the way… But that is another subject for another day.

Unfortunately, it is almost time for me to go. I have been working on this post for almost two hours. In addition to some of the above distractions, I have also been having pain issues which developed suddenly while writing this. I have pushed myself to at least somewhat finish this. I had wanted to stop what I was doing and try to finish tomorrow but I have a little determination in me. Plus, it does offer a little distraction from the pain. Not much. But it is something else for me to focus on.

Relief

I have the best doctor in the world! He has surprised the heck out of me once again. I used my last Vicodin on Saturday and sent a refill request. After some things happened, I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get it again. Sure enough, something else happened today and he re-entered the Rx on to my profile! Tell ya, I almost cried. I couldn’t believe it! I thought for a couple days that I was going to have to go without my extra pain medicine–but here he came through for me! I’m allergic to some drugs and all the rest are bad for kidneys and cause swelling and other problems for me. I don’t know if he had a change of heart, or if it was the last doctor I saw a week ago who “accidentally” deleted the Vicodin and other Rx’s from my profile this past weekend. Whatever happened, I am glad to have my Rx back now. Its not at the pharmacy yet, but its back on my medical profile. I have too much pain sometimes and too many issues. Thank God I’ll have it when I need it!

I have a ton of laundry to do. Thanks to a bright volunteer at the church over the weekend, I now have detergent so I can do it too! Now I won’t have to buy it, so it really helps! I was going to do that today, but I ran long getting things done today so I’ll probably be out washing clothes tomorrow. I desperately need it too!! LOL. I just wish I had a dresser and closet to put everything in when its nice and clean again. Someday. Maybe soon, if I’m lucky.

By the way, I added some new photos to Flickr! Check them out!

Wish me luck

I just set up a doctor appointment for tomorrow. I am (or should I sayhave been) sick again. Always, it seems. I was having trouble staying awake again today. Problems with palpitations, nerve and other pains. And now, my gut. Again.

It is very probable that I have lupus. I was told a long time ago that it was one of the possibilities. I guess right now the thought is lupus. And I am so tired of being tired, and of all this pain, and being sick and everything else with it! I really hope tomorrow goes ok and I can finally get the final Dx and get treated. Wish me luck, please. Send positive vibes. Those who are spiritual, say a prayer. I’ll take everything I can get. Thank you.